So . . .

Last night, a friend put words to what I've been feeling lately - burnt out. I didn't really consider that until she said it, but it rings true in my spirit. I feel burnt out - like I have everything to do and nothing to offer. So much to get in order yet no gusto to get it done. Everything before me - but no motivation to pick it up and run with it. So . . .

What happens next? How do you revive a fire that feels as though it's dying down? What is the kindling? My heart knows it's to dive into the Word. So I will. And hopefully, as I read, God will breathe the life of His Word into the embers of my Spirit, and I will come alive again. 

Someday

i just started reading a book about "someday." you know the word - "someday, i'm gonna go on that trip." "someday, i'll get to that project." "someday, i'll relax and roll with the punches." "someday, someday. someday."

i'm constantly rattling off the "someday" conversation in my head. there's always something to do, and my time will forever be spread out over a million different daily obligations. i just can't seem to get to everything, so i push it off, hoping that somehow, someday, i'll get my act together and my life will be perfectly organized and productive. but if i always live with "someday," will i ever enjoy today?

i need to just step back. take a breath. and live in today. this is the day i have been given.

maybe someday i'll stop blaming myself for putting things off until "someday."

are we there yet?

ah, the infamous question - "are we there yet?" it annoys the crazies out of me, but i hear it over and over and over again every time we get in the car. i get tired of answering the same question. i get tired of hearing the whine. i wish they would just settle in and enjoy the ride. look out the window or something. understand that we'll be there when we're there. the other day i got so frustrated, i wanted to scream. i never wanted to hear that question again. and then it hit me . . . i've been asking the same exact question for the past several months. "are we there yet, lord?" "when will we be there?" "how much longer?" "i can't take it anymore." "when? when? when?"

oh, the sigh that comes when i feel Jesus correcting my spirit. and yet i know He's patient with me. He understands my childish inability to wait. He hears me asking, complaining, whining, and He still smiles - because He sees the immaturity that causes me to drive Him crazy. and He knows that soon everything will be okay. we'll be there soon.

just settle in and enjoy the ride.

pajama parties

confidence and enthusiasm. two qualities i admire in my daughter. she's often in new places, meeting new people and putting herself out there without a thought that someone won't accept her. last night she came home from vbs and told me they were having a pajama party at tonight's vbs. how cute, i thought. i bought her a new pair of pajamas and a pretty cowgirl hat to go with the "avalanche ranch" theme. we packed the jammies in a plastic bag and headed on to her class. when we got there, i asked one of the workers if the kids were having a pajama party tonight. he didn't know anything about it. so i asked a couple other workers, who also said they didn't think so. then one girl told me she thought she had heard something about it but didn't know for sure. and finally, a girl told me that eden had told the teacher that tonight they could watch a movie and have pizza and popcorn and wear their jammies. apparently she organized her own little pajama party because there were two other little kids in there with their jammies on when i came to pick her up. how i long for her confidence. she rocks my world.

forever

"love is just the first thing that I have for you.....all else is based upon the first principle and is standing in line waiting for the right time to appear . . . forever your father"

beautiful, profound words that dove straight for the core of my heart. it speaks on so many levels. love first. everything else comes out of that love. and wisdom makes it happen when the time is right. and forever, always, my father will be my father. the spiritual implications are leaping out at me, and i will treasure that forever. but just for a moment, i'm going to treasure them as the words they were foremost meant to be - encouragement from my earthly daddy to the depth of my spirit here on earth. i love you, dad. and i hope all else is based on that principle.

Ask

Ask and you shall receive. Ask and you WILL receive. Both a command and a promise. You didn't say, "Hey, if you think about it, ask for blank, and i'll give it to you." You said, "Ask." Do it. Pop the question. Lay it out before You. Speak. Give voice to my desires. Ask. And the promise - "You will receive." No may or may not. I will. Because You are I AM.

on my way

where am i headed? sometimes i have no idea. i walk forward, doing my best, wondering if my best is good enough. giving all i have to offer, yet questioning whether i have more to give. making decisions that affect others' lives, yet knowing i feel compelled to choose God's way, to walk the path He lays out before me. am i always certain? absolutely not. am i consistently confident? no. i doubt. i wonder. i ask, "what if?" or "if only" while knowing, deep within my heart, that what i want more than any other desire is for God's will, His best, to be done in my life. i don't always understand why He leads certain ways, why He lays out difficult choices before me, why i must say painful things are really for the best. but i will accept without understanding. to me, that is an act of faith. faith that believes in a powerful, redeeming God who will bring good out of anything i mess up with my humanity. all i can do is walk. and trust. in His strength. His way, His timing, His love. there is no greater thing.

please.

a baby. so young. so innocent. so fresh from the arms of God. it seems unfair that a baby should have to go through any type of hardship, much less one that threatens her life. life is fragile, and in a difficult situation, that reminder is as close as the air i breathe. a friend faces the illness of her precious darling, even now being life-flighted to a hospital in a large city, and my heart aches for her. my insides cry out to God to give her the liver she needs, to correct what is wrong and give her an extraordinary life. i cannot help but think the enemy sees potential in her. every child of a believer poses great threat to the enemy's plans. this friend is from a strong, spiritually grounded family. she is a smile to me, ever since i first met her. she will pass down a Godly legacy of faith, one that is not easily shaken. and so i pray, lifting my loudest voice to heaven, knowing God hears and aches and knows my belief in His healing power. please, Father, save the life you created. save this darling baby, and bring glory to Your holy name.

prayer

wisps of incense
floating aloft into heaven's arms.
carrying thoughts i cannot know,
showering peace to a tired soul.
calling my name,
moving me forward,
longing for me to immerse myself.
move deep into prayer
finding my strength,
becoming myself,
my greatest self.
walking not on my own.
leaning with every step.
watching for leading,
looking right
glancing left.
waiting.
waiting for the voice.
longing for the blessing.
believing the power.
knowing.
knowing with all my being.
no room for doubt.
belief is here.
belief remains.
belief calls my name
expectantly,
confidently.
lands unexplored,
paradise at every turn.
fall, rain, fall
on this prayerful soul
fall on the essence of my soul.

decisions

ah, decisions. one decision affects another's life. on and on it goes, from generation to generation, person to person, situation to situation. i often fear the decisions others make. my natural inclination is to grab hold, to try to feed lines and thoughts that make others want to do what i want them to do. i think a more accurate word for that is manipulation. i want to be in control. i want to know that the things that are working, the blessings that are in place, will remain unchanged until i see the need for them to change. but no matter what i do or say, other people will make their own decisions. because i am not in control. i do not desire to be deceitful or conniving, to seek my own interest in any given circumstance. instead, i pray God will work in spite of me. i want His will more than i want my own. His peace. His leading. His decisions. He has never disappointed me. never left me alone. when things happen that threaten my world, that leave me fearing everything will be turned upside down - that's when greater blessings flow. in the end, it turns out much better than i could have made it myself. actually, it's perfect. and that's the way i want it. perfect. His way. for me.

laughing

i had a day with just myself and my daughter today. we watched tv; ate snacks; watched a movie; folded laundry; worked on brother's room. it was nice, just the two of us. we sat on the couch together tonight, eden all cuddled up against me, leaning her head against the "piwwow," and we sang songs. eden was humming, so i started humming with her. then i sang a song with words and a couple of worship songs. then she asked me to sing my song, the one i sing in the shower. so i did. and as i sang, she sang her own song, same words over and over, "everybody pwaise the ward." she sang the same line every time i sang a line of my song, and it was so adorable that i couldn't hide a laugh. i laughed with joy. and soon, eden laughed, too. we were laughing so hard with each other, that deep, happy laughter, enjoying a moment of silliness. ah, the joys of having a spirit-filled daughter. i wouldn't trade her for the world.

a child's dance

"sit down, mommy. watch me." so i sat, cross-legged on the floor, in front of a small, square stage in front of the larger stage where the band and rest of the gang were practicing for our evening production. the music was playing, a sweet song that served as a fitting backdrop for a young child's play. and then she began. the four-by-four foot stage became a wonderland, a worship land. she closed her eyes, stretched out her hands to her side, and swayed back and forth. as she danced, she opened her eyes, moving back and forth. her arms gracefully moving up over her head; her feet spinning her around. and back to the front, just so her toes grazed the edge of the stage, eyes closing, arms out, smile on her face. this was quite possibly the sweetest scene of purity, innocence and worship i had ever seen. here was my baby, my two-year-old princess, pouring out herself for her mommy's delight. but it went deeper. she had caught the spirit she had witnessed in others. she had danced into the presence of God. and my heart soared. i smiled. i had tears. i softly wiped them away as i watched her in amazement, in true delight. she is of me. she is of my flesh. she is of my spirit. she is my inspiration, for she has given me an experience of my Father's joy in me.

in a mirror

i sat, getting my daughter ready for bed, listening to her talk and watching her face light up at the words she's articulating. and i watched. i looked at her in the mirror; she was just to my side, turned enough away so that i couldn't quite see her face. so i relied on the mirror to show me her expressions. but i felt drawn. the mirror was nice, the reflection pretty clear. but it wasn't complete. here she was beside me, and i was gazing into a mirror to see her. so i turned. i leaned. i looked into her adoring face and felt my heart squeeze with a love so profound, i wanted to never have to look in a mirror again. she was real. she was right beside me. how could i substitute anything else? and then i realized - that's how it will be when i finally see my Father. when the mirror is cast away, and i'm turned, leaned, slightly shifted so that i can see His face with my own eyes. it's going to be perfect. complete. beyond comparison.

watch me, daddy

playing on the swings in an ordinary church yard. really a simple get-up, a few swings, a wooden structure, and a plastic slide. but to a two-year-old, a glimpse of heaven itself. we tried all the swings. picked up some rocks - smooth, shiny, red, clear. lined the rocks up on the wooden ledge, went down the slide. but the greatest feat of all - the "wadder." the first couple of tries, i helped her. this foot first; now use this hand; grab this handle; big girl! not too much time and she got it. i only had to help her a little. went down the slide again. played with some rocks. and then daddy came. "watch me, daddy." how sweet those words sound from a mouth of innocence, a face overwhelmed with joy. "i cwimb the wadder." mommy and daddy watch. she climbs; and climbs; one foot then the other; grabs the handles; pulls herself up; she's made it. all by herself. with daddy watching. amazing. a little girl's desire to show her daddy what she can do. a daddy's smile when he learns that's the first time she's climbed all by herself. a mommy's satisfaction that this, indeed, is a moment to remember.

control

the thought struck me this past weekend. it came sort of out of nowhere, but it had startling clarity all the same. i thought, as i sat in a well-built lodge of timber and woodsy-themed decor, that i don't ever want to settle for a life of being in control. it seemed odd to me at first. wouldn't being in control not be settling? but then i considered what it means to be in control - it means i'm in control. i make the decisions. i call the shots. i decide who, what, when, where, why, how. at first, that sounds like a life of freedom, a life without having to answer to anyone - a journey of comfort, of knowing that whatever i make happen is what i get to deal with. but with a little deeper thought, it's not so appealing. if i'm in control, i have no one to fall back on if i mess up. i can't make blessings happen to myself. i can't control other people. i can only move forward as much as i can proceed on my own call. that's really a stressful type of life. i might be happy for a moment; i might even enjoy being the one with the power, the one to determine my steps and call the shots. eventually, though, i'll hit a wall i can't conquer. i will get stuck. i will fail. the comfort i felt will become a burden to shove like i'm trying to move a ton of bricks. no, i'd rather not settle for a life of being in control, a life that comes naturally to me or strikes a chord with my flesh. i'd rather push on, enduring the true freedom and, yes, hardships at times, that comes with not being the one in control. truthfully, and this may be a shock to the rest of the world - i don't have all the answers. i don't know how to make things turn out favorably for me. i can't do anything beyond my fleshly limits. and so, i choose to surrender, to relinquish my control in deference to One who can handle the moment-by-moment challenges. it's hard work at times for me to give up my rights - to act with humility, to even be stepped on if it came to that. it's grinding to have to sit and wait for Someone else to do something about an immediate problem; it's baffling to not see the immediate results i desire to see. but really, if i'm not in control, i don't have to worry about those things. i can let all those details, no matter how miniscule or grandiose they seem, go. because i know i can rely totally on the One who is in control. he loves me more than i love myself; he cares for me and my "rights" more than i do. he wants to favor me and pour blessings on me and give me the best that's right for me. he desires those things even more deeply than i do. the one who spits on those desires is the one to be defeated. and only my One in control can defeat such a vicious, spiteful enemy. i don't need that stress. i couldn't handle dealing with him on any level if i'm by myself. so i'm thankful, and i feel wiser for recognizing that the last thing i want, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me at times, is to have me be in control of my life. i'd much rather seek a higher, less traveled road - one where i entrust every moment to my favorite Love, knowing, without a doubt, that His control is what will lead me home.

serenity

The serenity of nature's voice in its element. How beautiful and sweet. Returning to a place of the earth, a place swathed in its origin, surrounded by its ancestry. There is solitude here. Quiet, peaceful tranquility that soothes my nerves from the harshness of city life. Here, i breathe. Here, i dream. Here, i feel inspired. The masterpiece envelops me and I am part of it because I, too, am of the earth. I come from dust, from a Creative Hand with splendid vision. I am in my element, a place where I can explore and find my voice, my heritage, my being.

. . . thoughts from a state park in Savannah, Georgia 8/18/05

the shield

A mystical welding of metal, hammering and shaping it into a circular form, sturdy enough to withstand even the sharpest sword if placed in the proper position. Sweat and blood, maybe even tears, trying to use heat hot enough to melt the metal into the correct form. A laborer, one who desires perfection but understands the battles that will soon come, works long and laboriously to craft a hefty shield, one of protection. A shield that will endure throughout time. A shield that will become a warrior’s most intimate ally. And so it must be made with the most careful precision, for every warrior is different. Every warrior faces battle in her own way. Battle comes to everyone, for sure, but the shield – it is a trusty defense that reflects the very heart of the one wielding it in battle. Both its size and its depth, its strength and its height, speak of the trust the warrior places in such a magnificent weapon. For a shield is part of the armor as a whole, but it goes before the warrior, who carries it majestically, knowing that it can withstand and deflect even the sharpest arrow, even the most maliciously aimed thrust from the enemy. The confidence with which a warrior carries her shield, no matter how strong the warrior herself is, means life or death. With the shield comes a power greater than the warrior herself. In the shield, in the power of the shield, a warrior shows forth her inner soul, her most intimate desires to walk forward into victory. For a warrior, her shield is her protection, her refuge, her faith.

faith

What is faith? At times it seems so nebulous to my mind, so vague and undefinable. Yet at other times it is the solid foundation I stand on, the binding thread that connects me to the Lord. Faith is trusting God to the nth degree, no matter what He asks me to do, no matter if I feel His presence or not. Faith resides in the deepest part of me, in my soul. It makes its home so deep within my spirit that I cannot be separated from it, even if I find myself distracted by the world or my own selfishness. Faith is God’s gift to me and my gift to God. It is the part of me that knows without a doubt God’s capabilities are endless. I am encouraged by acts of faith. I am encouraged by the possibilities that faith provides for my life. It is by faith that I know I am saved. It is by faith that I trust the Lord to be my compass. Faith is the essence of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. Oh that faith may grow in my life, that I might get a handle on how pivotal such a magnificent gift is. I want to be a woman of faith. To be more faithful. I believe I am a woman of faith. I am faithful.

wisdom

I'm deeply attracted to wisdom. It enthralls me and intrigues me, and i find myself craving it. I read about it in the Bible, and I want to grab hold of it; it's something I want to define me in a way, to permeate my entire being. Wisdom is spiritually attained; I believe it comes most fully through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. I can't quite define wisdom, but it gives a deep sense of right, a knowledge of what is the best way, of what steps should rightly be taken. Wisdom calls aloud, the Bible says, wanting me to chase her and grab hold, to listen and be aware. The Bible personifies wisdom, brings her alive and gives her personality. She is pure and holy, complete and beautiful. Wisdom calls to my soul like a cool rain on a hot day. May I drink of her fully and find myself revived.

Exhaustive Effort

Sitting. Relaxing. Breathing. Three activities that go hand in hand, yet hardly involve much effort. Yet the effort to make those three things happen at once is exhaustive in itself. It’s rare that I find a moment where I have truly relaxed, truly taken cleansing breaths, truly sat in peace. I long for the day when I can more fully understand and grasp the concept of relaxation. I’m trying to work through all the anxiety in my life, to get it to dissipate and leave my inner psyche alone. Somewhat difficult, but highly attainable, if I understand the Lord correctly. He is the great Overcomer, so if I stick close by Him, I’ll overcome, too. And not just overcome, but be abundantly victorious. Sometimes the path to that feeling is long and hard and bumpy, but I am on that path, and for that I’m thankful. I’m supposed to be watching for signs from the Lord, whatever form they may come in. I pray for discernment and wisdom, for open ears and a listening heart, so the Lord may speak what He desires to speak. There is nothing I love greater than being in tune with the Lord. He is my Rock and Foundation, my strong Fortress in whom I take refuge. Praise be to God.