control

the thought struck me this past weekend. it came sort of out of nowhere, but it had startling clarity all the same. i thought, as i sat in a well-built lodge of timber and woodsy-themed decor, that i don't ever want to settle for a life of being in control. it seemed odd to me at first. wouldn't being in control not be settling? but then i considered what it means to be in control - it means i'm in control. i make the decisions. i call the shots. i decide who, what, when, where, why, how. at first, that sounds like a life of freedom, a life without having to answer to anyone - a journey of comfort, of knowing that whatever i make happen is what i get to deal with. but with a little deeper thought, it's not so appealing. if i'm in control, i have no one to fall back on if i mess up. i can't make blessings happen to myself. i can't control other people. i can only move forward as much as i can proceed on my own call. that's really a stressful type of life. i might be happy for a moment; i might even enjoy being the one with the power, the one to determine my steps and call the shots. eventually, though, i'll hit a wall i can't conquer. i will get stuck. i will fail. the comfort i felt will become a burden to shove like i'm trying to move a ton of bricks. no, i'd rather not settle for a life of being in control, a life that comes naturally to me or strikes a chord with my flesh. i'd rather push on, enduring the true freedom and, yes, hardships at times, that comes with not being the one in control. truthfully, and this may be a shock to the rest of the world - i don't have all the answers. i don't know how to make things turn out favorably for me. i can't do anything beyond my fleshly limits. and so, i choose to surrender, to relinquish my control in deference to One who can handle the moment-by-moment challenges. it's hard work at times for me to give up my rights - to act with humility, to even be stepped on if it came to that. it's grinding to have to sit and wait for Someone else to do something about an immediate problem; it's baffling to not see the immediate results i desire to see. but really, if i'm not in control, i don't have to worry about those things. i can let all those details, no matter how miniscule or grandiose they seem, go. because i know i can rely totally on the One who is in control. he loves me more than i love myself; he cares for me and my "rights" more than i do. he wants to favor me and pour blessings on me and give me the best that's right for me. he desires those things even more deeply than i do. the one who spits on those desires is the one to be defeated. and only my One in control can defeat such a vicious, spiteful enemy. i don't need that stress. i couldn't handle dealing with him on any level if i'm by myself. so i'm thankful, and i feel wiser for recognizing that the last thing i want, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me at times, is to have me be in control of my life. i'd much rather seek a higher, less traveled road - one where i entrust every moment to my favorite Love, knowing, without a doubt, that His control is what will lead me home.